The 5 Greatest Songs in Douchebaggery

This post is to recognize a great phenomenon in music. In popular music, the theme of a song touches on a common experience- finding love, losing love, breaking up, being cheated on, partying, drug use, hallucinations- you get the idea. But there are some songs that you hear on the radio and believe have a catchy tune or are really romantic- that is until you read the lyrics. You suddenly realize that the song is about how much of a douche bag the singer is. And so this post will list the top 5 songs that celebrate douchebaggery- the songs that make you stop and say "You're a jerk, did you know that?"

Note: Douchebag is a slang derogatory term typically used for men, and so this post will focus on the jerkiest of all songs by men. There will be a follow up post (linking to a Cracked.com article) on the bitchiest songs of all time. My criteria for making it to the list is "Would I throw a drink in a guy's face for singing this to me?"


5) Hinder- Lips of an Angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And, yes, I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue

Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

So he's on the phone with his ex-girlfriend while his girlfriend is asleep in the next room, and his ex is talking to him behind her boyfriend's back. And this is really sweet and romantic to him, who suddenly wishes he could leave his new girlfriend, because damn girl, you make it hard to be faithful. He doesn't even realize that not being in love with his new girlfriend is a reason to end a relationship, but more importantly, it's his ex's fault that he can't get over her. This guy needs to pull on his Big Boy Responsibilty pants and move on.


4) Uncle Kracker- Follow Me

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

I'm not worried about the ring you wear
Cause as long as no one knows then nobody can care
You're feeling guilty, and I'm well aware
But you don't look ashamed and baby, I'm not scared

So this woman is willing to have an affair with him. That's a fault on her part. But now that she's doubting herself, he says "Don't worry, as long as we keep quiet, everything will be alright. I don't care if you're having an affair. You're not gonna find anyone else who is as much of a stud as me." The narcissism in the song could choke a Greek god, but the song still made it to the top of the charts.



3) Sting and the Police- Every Breath You Take

Everyone initially thinks this is a really sweet song. Women love it. Crowds go crazy for it. Actually, Sting wrote this song about stalking his ex-wife. Now read the lyrics again:

Oh can't you see?
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you

Scary, huh? You've got to wonder if his ex-wife heard this song and said "Creeper! Quit looking in my window!" And despite its creepy, stalking lyrics this song is played repeatedly at weddings. Even Sting doesn't get it.




2) BB Mak- Back Here

So this song starts out with this guy whose girlfriend has left him and he's miserable. You feel sorry for him. He's out there, all alone, begging through his microphone and manufactured pop beat that she come back to him. And then these words come out of his mouth:

So I told you lies, even made you cry
Baby I was so wrong.
Girl I promise you, now my love is true
This is where my heart belongs


Ah ha! So THAT'S why this wonderful woman left him! She wasn't going to put up with his bullshit anymore. Suddenly you go from sympathy to slapping the lips off the collective face of BB Mak. Coincidentally this was their one hit. Fame doesn't last, does it?



1) The Rolling Stones- Under My Thumb

We could fill a whole encyclopedia with misogynist songs, starting with rap and working our way over to heavy metal and back to opera. What put this song at the top of the list for me was the pride in it. It's not just "bitch is gonna do what I tell her" or "women is hoes and dirty sluts." Most of Eminem's work would fall under this category. But I'm not talking about violent, misogynistic bastards. That should be a post for a later time. I'm just talking about douche bags. And here is why this song is at the top:

It's down to me, oh yeah
The way she talks when shes spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She's under my thumb
Yeah, it feels alright

Under my thumb
Her eyes are just kept to herself
Under my thumb, well I
I can still look at someone else

That's right. She had a mind and a life of her own, until she started seeing Mick Jagger. Now, as he calls her in the song, she's the "sweetest pet in the world," and the way she dresses is up to him. Douche. Jagger admitted in a 1995 interview that the song was meant to be a joke, and it just was a reply to a very pushy woman. While never released as a single, the song still remains a drink-in-the-face, no. 1 douchebag hit.