My Childhood Understanding of Chemistry

Science is organized knowledge, said Herbert Spence. It really needs to be better organized to teach it to an 8-year-old. I can't remember which grade I was in when I learned about atoms. I loved science at the time; this discovery would create a paranoia that took some time to shake.

"Everything in the world is made up of atoms," explained my teacher. "Atoms are so small that you can't see them. But everything -- your desk, your food, even you -- is made of millions of tiny atoms." She went on to explain that all of these atoms combined to make elements, which made everything else, etc. What we saw all around us were really millions of atoms all pressed together.

I stared at my hands and my desk in amazement, trying to see all the little atoms. A good student, I raised my hand.

"How do we know the atoms are there if we can't see them?" I asked.

I think she told me about the electron microscope, but what really got my attention was her explanation of the power in atoms.

"How many of you have heard of the atomic bomb?"

Half of the class' hands went up.

"Scientists figured out how to split an atom in the 1940s. When you split an atom, it releases a lot of energy. They created a bomb from splitting an atom."

I'm sure she meant this to demonstrate the power of tiny atoms, or something like that. She failed to explain that it was a uranium atom that created the atomic bomb. To be honest, I don't remember the rest of the lesson. I was terrified.

I had seen my dad's old World War II movies, where American planes dropped "the A-bomb" on Japan and my dad telling me how those bombs wiped out Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

My tiny mind began piecing this information together. Everything was made of atoms. Splitting an atom causes an explosion, an explosion that could wipe out whole cities like they were made of Tinker Toys.

If everything was made of atoms, what if I accidentally split one while cutting paper snowflakes? What if my mom accidentally split one while cutting carrots for my lunch?! Our whole house would explode just because I wanted carrots! Was air made of atoms? What if I bumped into an errant atom and smashed it?

I could see what would happen:

OH. MY. GOD. WE WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!

I sat very still the rest of the day. I didn't want to accidentally split atoms. I anxiously watched my mother make dinner that night, fearing every time she cut a celery stick or sliced an apple there would be a big KABOOM! and we would all be goners.

This went on for weeks. I walked lightly, chewed slowly, and for God's sake did not cut anything. I figured if I was really careful I could avoid making myself the next Doomsday Device.

I did eventually realize that life could carry on normally without carelessly causing a nuclear holocaust. I can't remember if it was my mother, my father, or perhaps some confused science teacher years later who explained how exactly an atom is split and put to rest an old fear.

But for God's sake, when you have children, don't explain atoms and atom bombs to them in the same lesson, skipping crucial years of chemistry and physics.

On The Media: I thought humans were all one species

We can only hope that "FOX and Friends" Brian Kilmeade made a serious word choice error. If he did not, then he needs some lessons in biology.

On Wednesday morning's "FOX and Friends" Kilmeade was discussing a study done in Sweden and Finland that showed couples who stayed married were less likely to develop Alzheimer's.

The study was done to show the health benefits of remaining in relationships. However, Kilmeade completely missed the point. He said that this study does not apply to Americans because "we marry other species." Therefore the reason Swedes and Finns are healthier is because "they have a pure society."

I wasn't aware that marrying other species was LEGAL in the United States, Kilmeade, because that would involve humans marrying other animals like goats, pigs, and fish. Does he believe people of different races are different species?

Honestly, why was he not forced to apologize for his word choice?

Some Funny News For Everyone At The Bottom Of The Ladder

I am a firm believer that at some point in everyone's life, he or she should work in either retail or food service. Typically I advocate this career during those teenage years where everyone has that "hot stuff" attitude and needs a job where they are the lowest of the low for some perspective. For those who have worked in these fields (and Jaxx knows what I mean) I think you can identify with a few of the following posts.

I have worked in retail before, and not high end retail. Let me tell you, everyone who has ever worked in a retail store has wanted to do this to a customer.

A customer tried to return a product at a Radio Shack in Eau Claire, WI. The 52-year-old employee wouldn't let him return the item. When the customer asked to speak to the manager, the employee began punching the customer.

I'm trying to picture how this all went down. Was the customer trying to return something he/she really couldn't return? "Sir/Ma'am, that's a clearance item. No returns. No, I don't care if you spilled beer on it and now it won't work. You can't return the item."

Or perhaps had this employee just had enough? Those of you who have worked in retail (or food service for that matter) know what it's like. People get a real power trip from yelling at you. You are the bottom of the ladder. Everyone, no matter what their pathetic job is, feels superior to you. You are there to serve them, and so they take advantage.

I'm guessing a guy who is 52 and working at Radio Shack (and is not the manager I might add) is one of three things.

Possibility A) He has a bad temper.
Possibility B) He has worked this job or kind of job his whole life. He finally has had it. That was the last customer to be rude to him.
Possibility C) He used to have an office job and in the recession lost it. He has been put back into the kind of job he worked in college or high school, and is deeply in debt. He has been working for the last 30 years of his life, and this is the only job he could get. Now he's got someone whining at him. That's the last straw, buddy.

Of course, it is more likely Possibility A or B, but I don't rule out C.

In fact, C is probably what led a man in Pittsfield to take his anger out on some Wal-Mart TVs.

26-year-old Nicholas Adornetto walked into a Wal-Mart one Thursday afternoon, took a bat from the sporting goods section, and smashed 16 flat-screen televisions.

When the police arrived, Adornetto calmly explained that he was angry with the government and was unemployed. He was just trying to relieve a little stress. He is charged with 16 counts vandalized property and one count of disorderly conduct.

Not to justify what he did (or the thousands of dollars of damage) but how good must it have felt at the time to just break all these things? How often have you wanted to just hit something when you're mad? That's exactly what these men did, although not without great consequence.

In times like these, don't you want to do the same thing sometimes?

On The Media: Some advertisements you will never see

The media has come a long ways in gender equality. There are more women working today in news, television, entertainment, and advertising than ever before. But I'm afraid there's still sex discrimination in something.

Where are all my women's products spam??!!

I get emails all day long to increase the size of my non-existent penis, to hold erections longer, to grow back my hair. It's as if every spammer out there believes I'm a man.

Here are some spams I've never seen in my inbox:

Vagina tightening pills- no more hot dog down a hallway!
Breast enhancement- Get off the itty-bitty-titty committee!
Cheap breast reduction- Relax the back pain!
Super tampon sale- Be super-prepared for Aunt Flo!
Yeast-B-Gone- I've yet to get spam about ancient Chinese medical secrets for zapping away a yeast infection fast
And finally, the one I've never seen in my mail:
Free Birth Control Pills! Just register on this list!

I'm not saying I want spam. No one likes spam. I'm just saying I want to be spammed with things that at least apply to my sex.